liturghia neagra

"Doar ele conteaza, aceste iubiri reale si intangibile, facute din melancolii vaporoase si din regrete! Si in care nu e loc pt trup, pt drojdia desfraului!
Sa iubesti de departe si fara speranta pe cineva ce nu-ti va apartine, la imposibile saruturi, la mangaieri abia atinse pe fruntea uitata a iubitilor din vieti trecute - o, iata o nebunie delicioasa si fara leac! In rest totul e josnic si gol. - Da, ce cruda poate fi existenta daca asta e singura fericire nobila, cu adevarat pura pe care cerul o ingaduie aici, pe pamant, sufletelor sceptice, ingrozite de eterna abjectie a vietii!"

Scrisoare

Sa ne despartim a fost decizia corecta(pt bca relatia nu mai putea sa continue asa).Nu regret nimic din tot ce a fost tot o sa ramana o amintire frumoasa -doar cum ai decis tu sa inchei tot ce a fost intre noi ...it leaves a bittersweet taste. Singurul lucru care ma doare e ca intre noi e o prapastie, asta ma intristeaza,nu am crezut niciodata ca am sa imi vad de viata-sa make the best of now-fara sa pot sa ma bucur alaturi de tine toate. Cand toate visele mi se implinesc ,tu esti persoana cu care vreau sa mi le impart.
Nu am reusit niciodata sa iti confesez asta,pt ca stiam cum o sa reactionezi, dar inima nu poti sa ti-o controlezi, desi capul meu a incercat din greu sa o saboteze.Si sigur stiai deja,dar nu m-ai lasat niciodata sa iti demostrey cu adevarat,cum spuneai si tu-nu prin vorbe prin fapt! Dar acum cuvintele sunt singura mea alinare, trebuie sa iti spun ca sa ma eliberez: 'Te-am iubit din prima clipa, te iubesc si te voi iubi in continuare!' Te-am iubit cat de bine am putut,dar frica m-a pus pe fuga nu mi-am permis sa fiu fericita. Dar acum ma gandesc, si inca simt, chiar daca nu ma pot intoarce nici daca as vrea cu cea mai mare disperare, actul iubirii m-a facut fericita.

confesiune

Sa peiorez ...am fost ...cu si fara manusi, intr-un loc al libertatii ,desfraului si al inconstientei...planuite!Am stat cu ELE o bucata de vreme cam cat de bucati erau si ele...SAU m-am indragostit de noile delicii si nu de vechea cetate! Si mergeam singur ca un lup care ataca turma , totul era atat de simplu, de obisnuit , ca peste tot ...Stiam ca nu mai pot regasi fostele identitati, dar am incercat din nou cu aceeasi deziluzie dezolanta pe fata.
Imi faceam scenarii fantastice si pofticioase care imi alinau din suparea prezentului.Unele masti au disparut sub patina timpului.Patinam in total alte directii, e greu de zis ce caut?! Niste partide la fel de fierbinti...niste discutii la fel de reci ca tacerile ce apar dupa. Si totul nu e decat o pasiune trecatoare, un trecut care se ingroapa si da pe dinafara ca un lapte pus la fiert..dar de aroma smoalei pe bat. Sa te simti un pic bine si sa mai uiti de tine la un popas prin ALTE VIETI !Si nu vreau mare lucru in afara de ceva UITARE.
Sa ne-o punem da un sens ,o dimensiune, deocamdata CHESTIEI noastre ; o amanare a momentului teribil in care te izbesti de tine la coltul strazii,al mesei, al patului cotidian.Iti spun astea pt un plus de valoare asexuala, o minima si decenta cunoastere. Imi plac jocurile mai mult decat regulile lor,asa cum unora le place la mare sau la munte.
Azi ma simt al naibii de singura, exilata in propria mea casa si oras.Mi-e frica nu ca nu le-as mai apartine, ci ca nu mai pot sa ma leg de altceva si atunci alerg bezmetic...

mantra

"Să nu mă tem. Frica ucide mintea. Frica este moartea maruntă, purtătoarea desfiinţării totale.Voi înfrunta frica. O voi lăsa să treacă peste mine, prin mine. Şi după ce va fi trecut, îmi voi întoarce ochiul interior şi voi privi în urma ei. Pe unde a trecut, nu va mai rămâne nimic."

(Paul din "Dune" de Frank Herbert)

AVEM TIMP

Avem timp - Octavian Paler

Avem timp pentru toate.
Sa dormim, sa alergam in dreapta si-n stanga,
sa regretam c-am gresit si sa gresim din nou,
sa-i judecam pe altii si sa ne absolvim pe noi insine,
avem timp sa citim si sa scriem,
sa corectam ce-am scris, sa regretam ce-am scris,
avem timp sa facem proiecte si sa nu le respectam,
avem timp sa ne facem iluzii si sa rascolim prin cenusa lor mai tarziu.
Avem timp pentru ambitii si boli,
sa invinovatim destinul si amanuntele,
avem timp sa privim norii, reclamele sau un accident oarecare,
avem timp sa ne-alungam intrebarile, sa amanam raspunsurile,
avem timp sa sfaramam un vis si sa-l reinventam,
avem timp sa ne facem prieteni, sa-i pierdem,
avem timp sa primim lectii si sa le uitam dupa-aceea,
avem timp sa primim daruri si sa nu le-ntelegem.
Avem timp pentru toate.
Nu e timp doar pentru putina tandrete.
Cand sa facem si asta - murim.

Am invatat unele lucruri in viata pe care vi le impartasesc si voua !!
Am invatat ca nu poti face pe cineva sa te iubeasca
Tot ce poti face este sa fii o persoana iubita.
Restul ... depinde de ceilalti.
Am invatat ca oricat mi-ar pasa mie
Altora s-ar putea sa nu le pase.
Am invatat ca dureaza ani sa castigi incredere
Si ca doar in cateva secunde poti sa o pierzi
Am invatat ca nu conteaza CE ai in viata
Ci PE CINE ai.
Am invatat ca te descurci si ti-e de folos farmecul cca 15 minute
Dupa aceea, insa, ar fi bine sa stii ceva.
Am invatat ca nu trebuie sa te compari cu ceea ce pot altii mai bine sa faca
Ci cu ceea ce poti tu sa faci
Am invatat ca nu conteaza ce li se intampla oamenilor
Ci conteaza ceea ce pot eu sa fac pentru a rezolva
Am invatat ca oricum ai taia
Orice lucru are doua fete
Am invatat ca trebuie sa te desparti de cei dragi cu cuvinte calde
S-ar putea sa fie ultima oara cand ii vezi
Am invatat ca poti continua inca mult timp
Dupa ce ai spus ca nu mai poti
Am invatat ca eroi sunt cei care fac ce trebuie, cand trebuie
Indiferent de consecinte
Am invatat ca sunt oameni care te iubesc
Dar nu stiu s-o arate
Am invatat ca atunci cand sunt suparat am DREPTUL sa fiu suparat
Dar nu am dreptul sa fiu si rau
Am invatat ca prietenia adevarata continua sa existe chiar si la distanta
Iar asta este valabil si pentru iubirea adevarata
Am invatat ca, daca cineva nu te iubeste cum ai vrea tu
Nu inseamna ca nu te iubeste din tot sufletul.
Am invatat ca indiferent cat de bun iti este un prieten
Oricum te va rani din cand in cand
Iar tu trebuie sa-l ierti pentru asta.
Am invatat ca nu este intotdeauna de ajuns sa fii iertat de altii
Cateodata trebuie sa inveti sa te ierti pe tine insuti
Am invatat ca indiferent cat de mult suferi,
Lumea nu se va opri in loc pentru durerea ta.
Am invatat ca trecutul si circumstantele ti-ar putea influenta
personalitatea
Dar ca TU esti responsabil pentru ceea ce devii
Am invatat ca, daca doi oameni se cearta, nu inseamna ca nu se iubesc
Si nici faptul ca nu se cearta nu dovedeste ca se iubesc.
Am invatat ca uneori trebuie sa pui persoana pe primul loc
Si nu faptele sale
Am invatat ca doi oameni pot privi acelasi lucru
Si pot vedea ceva total diferit
Am invatat ca indiferent de consecinte
Cei care sunt cinstiti cu ei insisi ajung mai departe in viata
Am invatat ca viata iti poate fi schimbata in cateva ore
De catre oameni care nici nu te cunosc.
Am invatat ca si atunci cand crezi ca nu mai ai nimic de dat
Cand te striga un prieten vei gasi puterea de a-l ajuta.
Am invatat ca scrisul
Ca si vorbitul
Poate linisti durerile sufletesti
Am invatat ca oamenii la care tii cel mai mult
Iti sunt luati prea repede ...

Am invatat sa iubesc
Ca sa pot sa fiu iubit.

IT SUCKS

If I look at the world today …just wonder why ? it’s all up side down ,full of cruelty, despair, misery, the rich are getting richer and the poor are getting poorer …what the fuck ! how is possible that someone to have everything and u to have nothing . the idea that money doesn’t bring happiness was surely invented by a poor person too make his live a little bit more explainable …but the most rich people I know are pretty damn happy ..why shouldn’t they and they probably enjoy our lament.

All we got back down here are our dreams but they are so easily shattered and all that is left are the pieces and the disillusion . what to do when u are at the and of the road and u see that u have nothing that u are striped in front of destiny and live. Honestly now I don’t believe in destiny any more , I just don’t like this feeling of being completely powerless , so no matter how hard u fight u are dammed to fail ! so why bother to fight at all when u already know the result …it’s just bullshit and I won’t settle for it.

And what about the concept that that everything happens for a reason…does it I don’t know for sure , but this also employs that if u make one mistake along the road that could mean that u are scured for good that is damn unfair don’t u think ?!we should be entitled to a second chase…but we usually don’t get one so that should solve this riddle then…aah the butterfly effect …how can something so little cause so much damage …the little things are those that really matter …we should learn to appreciate them!

LOVE…who says we must find that one person to spend an eternity…love breaks all barriers …BLA BLA…another fairy tail created by the hopeless…for those who are to afraid of the loneliness …we are born alone an we die alone that is our greatest certitude so how come we have to find a soul mate …to die alone eventually …fun haah. I can’t really grasp how we can spend a life time with only one person , we change , we evolve , we grow up ,we aren’t the same person so who can that work ? maybe we have more then one companion through our live time , one for every personality.

All isn’t so easy how can u leap into the unknown…can we afford a safety net, but what happens to those that aren’t so lucky to have a safety net , do they just crash on to the ground…auchY.

LIFE SUCKS…and those who say that a positive attitude fixes everything are fools!

LOVE

Love ,we are told, is the greatest and most powerful feelings of all…Is this really trough? ARE we still capable of IT is this world in which the most consistent thing is MONEY! It changes everything, our pure core is altered by it ,we no longer persist to be filled of the essence of innocence we are born with. If we stop believing we lose everything.

Who once said to –to love and to loose it is better then to never have loved at all-and I believe it because I felt it. I HAVE NO REGRETS.

I don’t want to tell the story of how I found true love and then by stupidity, circumstances I, have managed to lose it ,but now all this is irrelevant because u can not change the past just learn from it’s mistakes! So we are forced to move on by the mind, but what if our rebellious heart is lingering in the past then we are truly lost! U can not with this battle …

Now I am caught in the past urging after the drug of love and it’s destructive effects!

I must have the certitude that it is over. The certitude of hopelessness makes the fact that I have lost the chance to live with my true love or my significant other so wrong ,but at least I am certain of it !He was the person that his soul presence made me shiver, filling my heart with joy ,my face with a constant smile…and he finally made me feel alive. I have lost it doe, many may say now that I must move on a search for another person that can give me that ,never loose hope and so on that psycho blabber but I say bullshit! It’s the greatest thingh that could happen to me! I don’t who the fool was invented this crap of the fact that u can only be happy when u find your other half .They just say it to make us fear solitude, but I know that reaching perfect solitude, just the fact that u surrender completely to yourself will make u the strongest person ever and it will bring the certitude u have search for so long!

I am not afraid, maybe I am wrong in my believes, but at least I am wrong but certain!

And still I am afraid, so much that I am frozen stiff in time unable to move foreword. Our fear are those who stop up reaching real greatness , the person who said by losing all fear we become free ,was so true and still …show me those who have mastered this…facing the FEAR is the first step but if we would be to have none at all that would make us goods. But tell me now how can I move if what scares me most is the future , the uncertainty , most of all changes so how can u faze something u don’t see. I am the person who loves living in the past, the past is safe nothing can heart me I can envoy , but it can’t be healthy , so u can’t grow …but I am so sacred of the unknown of the future that I don’t want to move , I just want everything to stay the same …but that would mean that I will stay unhappy …so fuck it …I am really scrude…yippy! I am a lost case …help me or let me root in my on misery cause fear has paralyzed me.

we are

We are the children of the world. How can we continue to exist in the misconstruction of everything that must be consumed by the unconfined self? This are the thoughts of a neurotic personality that has nothing else on her mind then how to continue living in the herd of humanity without being stampede because of ones unique self.

Who I am is of no importance because I am nothing. I am a ground of dust that is blown away disappearing in the greatness of this mother fucking grand universe that erases every chances of becoming a remarkable individual. I know nothing; I am sinking in the darkness of my own mind. I seem to be incapable of seeing the light on the end of the tunnel. Once u get off the path that is mapped out for u by society since the day u are born, there is no way of turning back all u can do is start walking…and do not forget to breathe. That can be the hardest thing off all keep breathing in the faecal infested world that we have build up just to have the chance to blow it up!

Why am I telling u all this, maybe I am ready to admit to myself how insane and deluded I really am, but define normal now. Let me tell u a little secret there is no such thing as a sane person, we all have gone mad by simply living what is considered a normal and constant life. What can I admit is that I have lost my way, now I am feeling that everything surrounding me is collapsing…standing still in the present of the moment, reminiscing of the past, dreaming of a future were I have won back everything that I lost. Fear is my greatest enemy, it keeps me bound to earth not able to fulfil my destiny. I have lost hope in life, but just when u have lost all u are free to do anything…but I am not ready yet to leave the shelter that protects me from life, love and all the great things that I know I am destined too do. Tell me now something, dear, what is holding u back? And I answer I am just a fool or how the French would say: ‘Le fon montre un souci constant de logique!’ It seems easier then it is…

Hollow is my soul then I have lost my dreams and I cant get them back , they were the essence of my personality now I am nothing just a another cattle in this heard that is the world. How come that I am such a pessimist on such a optimistic background. Too the world it doesn’t matter what I want or need I am still stuck in a cage that is my life and I just need too open the door and fly away like a dust corn in the wind. That sound kind of cheesy but those are the facts or what is left of them…

PROLOG

Pt mine blogul inseamna un jurnal al secolului nostru ...in care as vrea sa ma-mi descarc gandurile, ideile,visele...tot ce ne ramane pana la urma sunt visele si sperantele !
Poate peste ani cand am sa citesc o sa vad cat de naiva eram si cat de copil si o sa zambesc ...o sa fiu fericita sa-mi amintesc de ce ma chinuia acum .Chestiuni poate inutile, asa fragile si totusi esenta mea :-)